On Poetry

The last week has been a bit of a blur for me. I've been stuck in this downward spiral of confusion and sadness and a total feeling of being utterly and completely lost.

I feel like my life is disappearing beneath my feet and I can't do anything to grasp it. I know I should be mindful and be in the present rather than thinking about the past and worrying about the future, but I just can't. Or maybe I don't want to. I don't know.

I mentioned something on twitter about being in a state of limbo and a lovely person shared a link to poem with me: Rose Cook's 'A Poem for Someone Who is Juggling Her Life'. It's a wonderful poem - simple, yet carrying such an important message - and it really spoke to me in that moment.

So I went home and I read the Mary Oliver book that has sat next to my bed for two months. I also painted my toenails red because that's an instant uplifter. I tried to watch a film, but couldn't. So I gave myself permission to do nothing, to sit with this poetry book, to think, to feel everything I'm feeling.

The next day I woke up with a restlessness I couldn't shake so I showered and was out of the house by 6.30am. I walked from my home, through Elephant and Castle, across Waterloo Bridge and up Kingsway to Holborn. I treated myself to breakfast and then went to work. That hour spent walking, in the morning chill with the sun warming me ever so slightly, felt ever so calming. I got to work and bought two new poetry collections.

Over the weekend one of the poetry books I'd ordered arrived - Clive James's Sentenced to Life. I made a coffee and crawled back into bed with it, sinking into the verse, the rhythm, the beauty of James's words.

I've had an on again off again relationship with poetry for my entire life. I adore poems, but sometimes my brain won't allow me the time they need and deserve. Now though, in this fast-paced social media world, I think reading a poem is the perfect way to stop, take a pause, and reassess.

There are poems that have meant so much to me throughout my life. I remember stumbling upon William Ernest Henley's Invictus one day and my heart instantly overflowed with all the emotions I'd held down for so long. I cried and cried and eventually I showed it to my sister who, for me, is the epitome of that poem. Years later she had two lines of the poem tattooed onto her thigh, for she truly is the master of her fate and the captain of her soul.

I thought I didn't 'get' poetry until I discovered William Blake. His poems are so deceptively simple, but in reality they hum with life and passion and spirituality. A few weeks ago I had to have an MRI and, on the cusp of panic, I recited Blake's poetry. Without him I wouldn't have made it through that twenty minutes intact.

Poetry says what I can't say myself. It pushes me to acknowledge and accept feelings that I'd often rather hide from. A poem can be a slap in the face, a gentle smile, a loving embrace; a poem can be home, it can be adventure, and it most certainly can be life.

I've since devoured that collection of Mary Oliver's poems that has sat by my bed for so long, but I won't be moving it. I'll leave it there, waiting patiently for the day when only poetry will do.

Things That Made Me Happy This Week #55

1// Chaos Walking I finally finished this trilogy earlier this week. I don't gravitate towards YA at all, but Patrick Ness has the ability to write for all ages I think. This trilogy has had me sobbing non-stop, but it's absolutely fantastic and I'd recommend it to anyone. My sister and I read it at the same time and shared many a sad sigh.

2// My Mother Said I Never Should When I was a school I was a massive drama enthusiast. I adored acting, planning shows, doing the lighting, reading plays and researching plays. My Mother Said is a play my best friends and I put on when I was about 15/16 and it remains one of my favourites to this day. I never thought I'd see it live, but I opened the paper a month or so ago and saw an advert for it at the St James' Theatre. If you're in London this month then please go, you will not be disappointed.

3// Quiet It's been a quiet week and I've not really had anything going on, which makes a change these days. I've spent most of my evenings reading on the balcony talking to my guinea pigs.

4// Poetry I had a reintroduction to poetry this week (I'm going to talk about that more soon), and I've been loving the work of Clive James and Mary Oliver.

5// Sunday I worked an extra day this week in a situation I wasn't particularly comfortable with (people, lots of people), so today I'm treating myself to the ultimate Sunday. After the gym I'm going to visit a local cafe for brunch and then retire to the park with a blanket, my book and some SPF. Bliss.

What has made you happy this week?

April in Books

Breakdown by Taylor Downing

They Are Trying to Break Your Heart by David Savill

The Repercussion by Catherine Hall

Little Boy Lost by Marghanita Laski

The Voyage Out by Virginia Woolf

Maigret Sets a Trap by Georges Simenon

Maigret's Holiday by Georges Simenon

April was an excellent month for reading. I read a phenomenal book about mental health in World War One, enjoyed another wonderful Persephone classic, and finally met Inspector Maigret. I feel that this is one of the most varied reading months I've had in a while as I explored a good mixture of fiction, non-fiction, classics and contemporary novels. 

It's hard to name a favourite from the past month. I have enjoyed each of these books immensely, but for quite different reasons. Breakdown turned out to be one of the best non-fiction books I've read in a while (I talked about it in more detail here), and I loved getting reacquainted with Woolf and newly acquainted with Maigret. 

I feel like I'm finally getting my full reading mojo back. I never completely lost it, but I got quite caught up in hyped up new releases and lost sight of the books that I truly adore. Does anyone else get that? I think it's partly because I get all of my recommendations from blogs and twitter and so many new releases are given an arguably unnecessary amount of space on those platforms. I always then get it in my head that I really need to read every book I see that's given a lot of attention on the internet. Which, actually, isn't true. Reading Woolf and Simenon this month reminded me that it's those books that I adore and for the next few months I'm going to be reading from my own shelves and possibly the occasional new release that truly grabs me.

In terms of general life stuff April was a whirlwind month. I've been writing a lot for BookSmoke which means spending my evenings at literary events, all of which were fantastic. I generally go to these events alone which I find quite tough, but I think it's good for me to be pushed continually outside of my comfort zone. It has been wonderful meeting likeminded people and being surrounded by others who are as passionate about books and reading. 

I'm looking forward to a quieter month in May and hopefully plenty of reading time. 

What books have you enjoyed in April?

May Goals

Have a dry month - no alcohol until 1st June

Slowly work up to running 5km (but don't push it!)

Read Mrs Dalloway's Party for #Woolfalong

Do something creative every week

Read more poetry

Do you have any goals for May?

The Voyage Out || Virginia Woolf

'When I think of the age we live in, with its opportunities and possibilities, the mass of things to be done and enjoyed - why haven't we ten lives instead of one?'

I find it impossible to review Woolf's novels so I'm not going to even try. Instead, I'm just going to share a few thoughts and I'd love to hear yours too.

The Voyage Out has been on my shelf for not too far off a decade. Unread. Well, actually, I started to read it at college, but we had the choice to either write about TVO or George Gissing's The Odd Women. At the time The Odd Women spoke to me far more than Woolf. When I first picked the book back off my shelf, encouraged by HeavenAli's #Woolfalong, the page where I gave up on Woolf and moved on to pastures Odd was still marked: page 32.

This time, with a hard-won appreciation of Woolf and a love of her writing, I breezed past page 32 in the first sitting.

// The Voyage Out is certainly Woolf's most accessible novel. It follows a more traditional structure and does not focus on a stream of consciousness like her other works. I do think though that you can see the slow beginnings of her work taking shape, not quite as much as in Jacob's Room, but I think it's there.

'It's not cowardly to wish to live, Alice. It's the very reverse of cowardly. Personally I'd like to go on for a hundred years'

// It was quite odd but also quite reassuring to come across the Dalloways in the novel. I hadn't realised beforehand that they appear and have more than just a fleeting cameo.

// I loved the relationship between Hewet and Rachel and how, when they're first engaged, they feel the need to keep reminding themselves that they love one another. Not from a lack of feeling, but I think they're both overwhelmed by the suddenness and the happiness of it all.

// There are some wonderful quotes about happiness in this novel and it seems to be something that the characters are searching for and have a particular awareness about.

'Very gently and quietly, almost as if it were the blood singing in her veins, or the water of the stream running over stones, Rachel became conscious of a new feeling within her. She wondered for a moment what it was, and then said to herself, with a little surprise at recognising in her own person so famous a thing: 'This is happiness, I suppose.'

// I was quite taken aback by the ending. It caught me thoroughly off guard and I almost felt winded. I did like how it brings yet another layer of meaning to the title of the novel - a final voyage almost.

'At last she shut the book sharply, lay back, and drew a deep breath, expressive of the wonder which always marks the transition from the imaginary world to the real world.'

// I truly adored this novel with its insightful musings on life, happiness and existence in general. I'm sure it will stay with me for a long time and I already know that to revisit it will be like seeing an old friend after a long time has passed.

Have you read The Voyage Out? 

The Joys of Secondhand Bookshops

Mooching around secondhand bookshops is possibly my favourite thing to do. Whether it's a dusty old store with narrow staircases and books piled on every surface, or an outdoor market, I can happily spend hours exploring, browsing and reading pages here and there. I have found some absolute gems in various stores around the country and, occasionally, abroad (in Amsterdam I found a beautiful copy of Olive Schreiner's Dreams).

There is something almost magical about secondhand shopping. Coming across heartwarming or witty inscriptions, finding old bookmarks or notes tucked into pages, and reading annotations left by some previous reader is a connection to people throughout history who have read and loved and shared their passion for the written word.

I'm quite an ordered browser. I make my way through the genres that appeal to me, from fiction, to classics, to history, to art, to literary criticism, picking up books as I go and always on the look out for certain books by certain writers. I'll always look under 'C' for Collins before moving onto 'W' for Woolf, West and Wyndham. In history I'll go straight to the First World War before searching out the Suffragettes. There's this wonderful quickening of the heart which comes over me when I discover a book, amid so many others, that I've been searching for and I inevitably find my feet dragging and my head turning for one last look as my bank balance forces me back out of the shop.

I've made some marvellous finds in the last month or so, firstly in a little bookshop hidden away in Bristol and secondly at the Southbank Book Market. It's rare that I'll leave a secondhand bookshop empty handed and I do seem to have a sixth sense for tracking down certain writers and subjects, but even knowing that I've been amazed by the books I've found recently.

You'll notice a couple of Simenon's in this pile and I've said before that he seems to be almost following me - every bookshop I've entered in the last six or seven months has given me Simenon and his invention, Maigret. I don't know whether it's because he's coming back into the public consciousness thanks to Penguin reissuing the Maigret novels, or whether it's my own awareness has changed since reading The Blue Room. Either way, I'm in love and so happy to be stumbling across various old editions.

I was perhaps most excited to find this old Penguin edition of The Great Gatsby. My sister actually found this on the Southbank Book Market and shook it wildly at me until I came running over. I was then distracted by seeing a sea of Simenon's and a copy of Virginia Woolf's The Common Reader (which I'm still kicking myself for not buying). I have a couple of different copies of The Great Gatsby already, one which I filled with my A Level annotations and one which I filled with my degree annotations, but I am overjoyed to own this gorgeous Penguin - I particularly like the mini synopsis on the front!

I'm having a slight break from book-buying, secondhand or otherwise, at the moment as my shelves here in London are bursting at the seams (I've been forced to stack books on every available surface now, as many of my favourite bookshops do!), but I'm planning a couple of trips around the UK for the summer which, if all goes to plan, will essentially be one long bookshop crawl.

Do you like secondhand book shopping? Found any gems lately?

Things That Made Me Happy This Week #54

1// #Bronte200 I've loved all of the celebrations for Charlotte Bronte's bicentenary this week. It's very much put me in the mood for re-reading Jane Eyre and Villette and discovering her other works. I'm also in the mood to re-watch the Michael Fassbender and Mia Wasikowska film after hearing Moira Buffini, who wrote the screenplay, talk on Thursday.

2// Sceptre Salon On Monday I went to the first Sceptre Salon at Foyles. Chris Cleave, Clare Morrall and Tristan Gooley made up the panel, chaired by Hannah Beckerman, discussing the theme of water. It was wonderful and I really enjoyed hearing about both Cleave and Morrall's new novels having loved their works previously.

3// More exercise Since an inconclusive MRI left my physio stumped I've decided it's time to get myself back to fighting fit, or risk staying miserable for a lot longer. I've been slowly building myself back up with the gym, swimming and yoga, and yesterday I went for my first run in about six months. With a little determination and plenty of stretching and self-care, I think I can get back to where I used to be.

4// Cooking I spent most of today cooking up a storm. First I made some apple and cinnamon muffins, then miso soup, and finally I pickled some red cabbage for future salads. All very tasty, even if I say so myself.

5// Star Wars Nothing beats a Sunday evening spent curled up with a cider in front of The Force Awakens. Top notch evening.

What made you happy this week?